part 3
Bree's House
Preston and Parker sit at Bree's table, furiously scribbling with crayons on coloring books. Porter stands near a table with freshly-baked cookies on it and reaches for one.
Bree: "Porter, honey, those cookies are hot. Just wait a few minutes and then I'll give you one when they're cool, okay? You know, pictures are prettier if you color inside the lines. Well, art is subjective. Porter, what did I tell you?"
Porter: "But I'm hungry."
Bree: "Well, then, I will fix you a very nice bowl of peaches and cottage cheese."
Porter: "Ew, barf."
Bree: "Don't be common, young man. Now come on. If you play around with those cookies one more time I'm gonna have to spank you."
Preston: "We don't get spanked."
Bree: "Really?"
Porter: "Mommy always says sheÂ’s gonna, but she never does."
Bree: "Well, I am not your mommy, and if you misbehave in my house, you will get spanked. So be good."
She leaves the three boys at the table and goes over to Penny. Porter gets up and goes to the cookies again, this time knocking them over.
Porter: "It was an accident."
Bree: "Porter, I warned you."
Porter: "I'm sorry. I'll be good."
Bree: "Those cookies were made from scratch. Your fate is sealed. Come here."
Porter: "No, no!"
She brings him over to a chair. She sits down, pulls him face-down on her lap and begins spanking him.
Porter: "Ow! Ow! Ow!"
Parker and Preston, watching from the table, are shocked.
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Gabrielle's House
Gabrielle is giving herself a pedicure when Carlos walks into the living room and tosses a piece of paper in front of her.
Gabrielle: "WhatÂ’s that?"
Carlos: "ItÂ’s called a post nuptial agreement. ItÂ’s a legal document that-"
Gabrielle: "No I know what a post-nup is. What is it doing on my coffee table?"
Carlos: "Well, I can forgive that stunt you pulled with the settlement check...if I'm sure that you'll really going to be around when I get out of jail."
Gabrielle: "And the post-nup changes the terms of the pre-nup. So..."
Carlos: "So if you try to divorce me while I'm gone, you get nothing."
Gabrielle: "You don't trust me?"
Carlos: "I'm afraid not."
Gabrielle: "Well, thatÂ’s too bad, because I'm not signing that piece of paper."
Carlos: "you're a very beautiful woman, Gabrielle, but you're not very bright. You see, if you don't sign it, I'll pull the plug on the settlement agreement, divorce you, and then you get what amounts to about fifty percent of our current savings, which is basically nothing."
Gabrielle: "So, what do you expect to happen right now, Carlos? Sign the paper and jump right back into your arms?"
Carlos: "It doesn't mean that I don't love you. You know how I think you're the perfect woman?"
Gabrielle: "Oh, but I'm not. I have flaws."
Carlos: "Flaws?"
Gabrielle: "Hmm hmm. I'm gonna give you an example. Remember the time when you were in jail and you told me about your secret compartment? And you told me to burn the papers that I found in there? Well, me being pretty and therefore, stupid, I forgot."
Carlos: "You didn't burn the papers?"
Gabrielle: "Worse. I read them."
Carlos: "Okay, okay."
Gabrielle: "You have some nerve talking to me about trust when you have a secret bank account in the Cayman Islands."
Carlos: "That was a safety net for both of us."
Gabrielle: "I'll bet."
Carlos: "Have you told anyone else about this?"
Gabrielle: "No, but I could. Hey, isn't that why the prosecution didn't have a case against you? They couldn't find the profits you made. So if I were you, Carlos, I wouldn't mention the words divorce, trust, post-nup ever again. You don't want to piss me off."
She starts to walk off. Carlos grabs a vase and throws it against the wall, where it shatters.
Gabrielle: "I know, baby. It hurts to lose."
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Lynette's House
Gabrielle, Susan, Bree, Lynette, and Sophie are sitting around the kitchen table, playing cards. Susan deals.
Susan: "Ante up."
Sophie: "Well, look at me. Finally in on one of your legendary poker parties. SusanÂ’s always telling me how much fun you girls have."
Susan: "Well, the rules are simple. We play for cash. The dealer picks the game and unsubstantiated gossip is encouraged."
Sophie: "Ah!"
Lynette: "Bree, thanks again for watching my boys. you're sure they weren't too much to handle?"
Bree: "Oh no, we had a wonderful time. Although I think Porter had a little less fun. Okay I'll bet."
Gabrielle: "So Sophie, Susan says you guys are going to a spa tomorrow. Is that an all-day thing?"
Lynette: "What do you mean Porter had less fun? I'll raise."
Bree: "Well, he was misbehaving so I had to punish him."
Sophie: "So yes, Susan is treating me to an entire day of beauty-"
Lynette: "So, when you say punishment what exactly are we talking about?"
Bree: "Oh, I had to spank him. Okay, I will re-raise."
Lynette: "You spanked my son?"
Sophie: "Las BreesaÂ’s Spa. Yup, thatÂ’s where we're going."
Bree: "Lynette, is there a problem?"
Lynette: "Tom and I don't believe in hitting our kids. I thought you knew that."
Bree: "Sorry, I didn't know. It won't happen again. Of course, I'm somewhat surprised you don't spank them. I mean everybody knows they're a little bit out of control."
Susan: "Wow, I am just dragging today. Should we put on another pot of coffee?"
Gabrielle: "Yeah, I'll do it."
Sophie: "I'll, I'll fold."
Lynette: "Yeah, you're right Bree. I've got a lot to learn about parenting, and I feel so blessed to be getting sage advice from such an impeccable mother like you. I mean your kids turned out perfect, as long as you don't call Andrew. Where is he again, hmm? Some kind of a boot camp for juvenile delinquents."
Susan: "Okay, girls."
Bree: "I never said I was perfect."
Gabrielle: "Oh, honey, nobodyÂ’s blaming you."
Lynette: "The hell I'm not."
Susan: "Lynette."
Bree: "If you will excuse me."
She leaves.
Gabrielle: "Lynette, will you go after her?"
Lynette: "She spanked my son. I'm not apologizing."
She leaves.
Susan: "Usually poker is more fun than this."
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Lynette's House
Lynette and Tom get ready for bed.
Lynette: "So help me, if you don't back me up on this, I will lose it."
Tom: "Yes, Bree shouldn't have spanked Porter, but itÂ’s not like she hurt him."
Lynette: "That is not the point. You don't spank other peopleÂ’s children."
Tom: "He was misbehaving. She had to do something. But make no mistake, she definitely crossed the line."
Lynette: "Yeah, you're damn right she did. She could've tried something else, like a timeout or she could've simply threatened to spank him."
Tom: "Yeah, because that works out so well when we do it."
Lynette: "It does work. It does work most of the time."
Tom: "It used to work. they've figured out itÂ’s an empty threat. They're onto us."
Lynette: "My mom used to beat the hell out of my sisters and me, and I won't do it. I will not become my mother."
Tom: "Fine, but the boys are getting older and smarter and eventually, believe me, eventually, they're going to figure out that they out number us and then..."
Lynette: "We're screwed."
Tom: "Exactly."