The New Paper - 18 Aug 2004
This Catwoman's got no meow at all By Jeanmarie Tan
[email protected]Catwoman
Starring: Halle Berry, Sharon Stone, Benjamin Bratt, Lambert Wilson
Director: Pitof
Rating: **
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BAD, bad kitty!
Well, we all knew this mangy stray was going to stink. But meow-ouch! Did it have to be so painful too?
A US$100 million ($172m) hairball coughed up by French filmmaker Pitof, this latest attempt at comic book franchise-dom is proof that Hollywood's bad ideas have at least nine lives.
That Catwoman is such a sloppy, schlocky piece of work shouldn't come as a shock - the negative buzz it's generated in recent months has been nearly as intense as the marketing blitz surrounding Halle Berry's leather-clad bod.
Borrowing a template from the superior Spider-Man 2, the first half of this catatonic retelling of the Catwoman tale - stripped of all relation to Bob Kane's Batman comics - dwells on the dweebish alter ego of the title character.
Berry stars as Patience Philips, a mousy graphic designer who works for a cosmetics empire run by the diabolical husband-and-wife team of George (Lambert The Merovingian Wilson) and Laurel Hedare (Sharon Stone, literally living up to her name).
Patience is murdered when she accidentally stumbles upon the company's dastardly scheme: To sell to vain women anti-ageing products that are addictive, toxic and definitely not cruelty-free!
But she receives her mouth-to-mouth rebirth at the paws of an Egyptian Mau, transforms into a feline fatale, handy with a whip and more, and goes claw-to-claw with her killers.
And there you have it: A big-budget, high-profile summer movie where our heroine's only mission is to save the world from killer skin cream.
What could be more ironic than using one of the faces of Revlon to do it?
But, seriously, was Pitof making a camp comedy? A comic-book adventure? A satire about society's obsession with youth and beauty? A chick flick about female empowerment?
Well, you'll be too busy taking a catnap to care.
Catwoman is a taxing and laughable animal which seldom finds its rhythm, boasting soulless direction and a screenplay that's like a worn-out scratching post of superhero cliches.
FAILS ON ALL LEVELS
It just isn't dark, smart or riveting enough to succeed on any level.
Pitof is mostly known for his work in digital visual effects, but Catwoman has none of the stylistic flair of Alien Resurrection or The City Of Lost Children.
Instead, the sets look cheap and clumsily-assembled, and the CGI sequences are on par with a low-budget video game.
But there's still pussy galore.
Berry gives a performance nearly as exaggerated as the one on Oscar night, and whoever handed her that dated S&M-inspired catsuit and a script full of kitty litter-worthy lines should get smacked on the nose with a rolled newspaper.
Trying hard to imitate a dime-store dominatrix, Berry's vampy catwalking and baddie-bashing comes across as more silly than sexy.
The revealing costume flatters Berry - she just lacks conviction in it, like 'a little girl playing dress up' indeed.
Apart from cleverly ordering a White Russian ('no ice, no vodka, hold the Kahlua'), watching the superstar hiss at dogs, chow down sashimi, and rub catnip all over her face is downright embarrassing.
Looks like Michelle Pfeiffer is still the No 1 cat's meow, who managed wounded, wicked and slinky all in one PVC-latex package.
As Catwoman is the star of her own show (no Batman, no Robin, not even Penguin), nobody else registers - be it the useless detective/love interest (Benjamin Bratt), eccentric cat lady (Six Feet Under's Frances Conroy), and even Stone herself, whose basic instinct is to act ridiculously over-the-top.
Berry has indicated interest in appearing in a sequel, but whoever lets this cat out of the bag again, prepare yourself for another roadkill.
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FAST FACTS
MOST of the 60 cats used in the making of Catwoman came from animal shelters.
In addition, three rare Egyptian Mau show cats were used to play the omnipotent Midnight, and trainers spent four months preparing them.
Another cat named Fig Newton lived with Halle Berry for much of the production and served as her in-house cat movement model.
Berry's catsuit is made of a combination of leather and a brand new silicone fabric created just for it.
As for the 10 'diamond'-tipped claws, 800 individual crystals mounted on sterling silver settings were used.
Hawaiian stuntman Nito Larioza acted as Berry's body double in most of the daring scenes, like the one where Catwoman backflips off a wall.
He had to shave his whole body, and the visual effects crew had to enhance his chest and butt during post-production.
Copyright © 2004 Singapore Press Holdings Ltd. All rights reserved.