The disrupting effects of divorce
By Sophia Ang, For The Straits Times
Aug 28, 2006
The Straits Times
FOR every four couples who take the marital vow in Singapore this year, at least one other couple will decide to end their marriage.
Where divorce was once uncommon, today's society seems to have accepted it as a reality of modern life. Almost any informal poll will throw up someone who is divorced, in the process of divorcing or knows someone who is divorced.
Official statistics for this year so far show that 2.8 per cent of Singapore residents are divorced.
The percentage may seem minuscule, but it translates to almost 100,000 adults. This should give cause for concern, particularly when the impact of divorce goes beyond the immediate couple concerned.
When one takes into account the number of lives affected, such as those of parents and children of the separating parties, the overall number of individuals impacted increases exponentially.
Marital breakdown often begins long before a divorce petition is filed. Breakdown in communication, loss of trust and intimacy and, sometimes, even violence are just some of the factors that erode a marriage. Marital dissatisfaction is often the precursor to divorce.
With the advent of self-help literature, higher literacy rates and a more exposed society, one might think that couples going through a divorce would pause to consider the impact of their decision on their children. But this is not always the case. Given that divorce is one of the most difficult decisions that a couple has to make, one can understand how the parties involved might not be able to think beyond alleviating their pain should they stay married.
Children invariably pay the price for their parents' inability to uphold the marriage. Often, it is not until custody issues are raised in divorce proceedings that the fact of children as casualties of marital conflict comes into full view. And as if that were not enough, feuding couples often use their children as bargaining chips against each other. Children caught in the crossfire of divorce battles often come away with their view of the world as a safe and reliable environment totally shattered.
Divorcing parents, reeling from the personal turmoil of dissolving their marriage, are not always in the best frame of mind to either explain to their children why they are splitting up or even understand their children's needs fully. They may instead project their feelings onto their children.
To complicate matters, children may conceal their true feelings in order not to add to the rift between their parents. But, privately, they may feel angry, unhappy, rejected or even embarrassed.
Research on the impact of divorce on children has consistently shown that those from divorced families generally have a harder time growing up. Psychologist Paul Amato, for instance, asserts that children of divorce experience parental loss and continue to suffer from having to move back and forth between their separated parents.
The divorce may be over for the parents, but the reminder and impact of that act goes on in the lives of the children. Sometimes, they may even harbour hopes of parental reconciliation, which often only compounds the pain when that hope is dashed. In addition, they have to adjust to changes in relationships with extended family members and/or friends.
Our ability to form healthy relationships as adults has a lot to do with the parental bonds that are formed and nurtured from birth. Our sense of security about the world, resilience to stress, ability to balance emotions and create meaningful relationships in the future are developed from infancy through our parents, who are usually our primary caregivers. Thus, when a marriage breaks down, the child's sense of security is disrupted as the family no longer functions as a stable unit.
This loss of security is exacerbated when couples fight over custody in court. The child witnesses the often ugly sides of their parents that emerge as they each seek to gain the upper hand in the divorce court. The divorcing parents may not realise it, but they are unwittingly shaping their children's values, view of the world and relationships.
Sometimes, one parent may block the other from having access to their child as a way of getting back at him or her. This impacts the child in one of two ways: first, the child has to come to terms with the painful reality of losing one parent; and second, the child might later refrain from developing close relationships for fear of being hurt and abandoned again.