I have a close friend who's getting married. I had agreed to be her bridesmaid but recently pulled out of it because I decided that I didn't want to have to interact with my ex boyfriend, who is one of her husband-to-be's best men.

Before I pulled out, however, I checked with her if not doing it would mean that our friendship would be affected. I had already bought my dress for the occasion and was prepared to go if she insisted. However, she seemed all right about it at that time, so I thought all was well and that she'd be able to find a replacement.

Later, when we met up again with other friends, she tried to act as though I was not there. Or if I said anything to her, she would give a snappish reply.

I'm quite upset by her behaviour, because I feel that my friend is also being a bit selfish here. What happened with my ex hurt me a lot. Even till now, I still feel a pang of sadness when I think about him. It's been more than a month since I last spoke to him, though I never really blamed him for the break up, seeing him and talking to him again will bring back memories.

On the other hand, there are friends who've told me that I'm in the wrong and that I'm the selfish one. They felt that I should have gone since I've known her for ages. My friend has not been answering my calls, but she has sent an sms to tell me that she is feeling disappointed that I couldn't put aside my feelings for just that one day.

Can feelings be put aside like that? Am I in the wrong? How can I mend this friendship? It's quite weird between us now, with her ignoring me. I feel that we can both be more mature about this and talk face to face. I understand that she may be having wedding jitters, and I would like to help, but she doesn't seem to want to talk to me at all.

MOD: Unnesessary comment.

If she is ur good friend, she would have understood how u feel.

But do u knw tht ur ex was going to be at the wedding?

If u knw and u still went ahead and now u back out, she would felt tht u 'pang sae' her.

Originally posted by seotiblizzard:

If she is ur good friend, she would have understood how u feel.

But do u knw tht ur ex was going to be at the wedding?

If u knw and u still went ahead and now u back out, she would felt tht u 'pang sae' her.

hi man

Originally posted by fatone:

hi i am single and available. just to check with you, do you take it from the back?

hold on a minute TS........I'VE GOT 2 WORDS FOR YA!

Nbz.

thanks for the post.

she prob does understand a bit, but can't understand why i can't just forget abt him and move on.

she prob feels that i "pang sae" her. i already knew he would be there when i agreed. it's just that at the time my ex and i were still friends. we had another big fight after that. i was really upset and thought tt if i wanted to get over him completely, the best is not to see or talk to him at all.

Originally posted by fatone:

hi man

Hello. Talk on msn leh.

Originally posted by cathykitty:

thanks for the post.

she prob does understand a bit, but can't understand why i can't just forget abt him and move on.

she prob feels that i "pang sae" her. i already knew he would be there when i agreed. it's just that at the time my ex and i were still friends. we had another big fight after that. i was really upset and thought tt if i wanted to get over him completely, the best is not to see or talk to him at all.

Explain to her.

Tell her the whole situation.

If she is ur friend she would understand it.

If she doesnt, let her be for awhile and talk to her again when she is less angry or well, u could just turn up for the wedding and ignore him. It depends on which is more impt.

no right no wrong.

u are in the ''wrong'' for not being able to put aside a man for your good friend wedding, its just a day.

she is in the ''wrong'' for not being considerate of your feelings.

but what done is done.

now. shes bringing that unhappiness over from her wedding day til now. I cant say its totally her fault, afterall its her wedding day. things could have gone much worse, if the 'brother' and 'sister' fight on the wedding day eh? but things may go smoothly if both people are able to control their feelings and see things on a bigger scale (hey its my good friend wedding)

either way, just give her some time to be enlighten from this whole issue. =)

take things 1 step at a time kay? afterall you are good friends.

She doesn't want to answer my calls at all...

Of course I'm still gg to attend the wedding... which is why I feel that she's not being understanding.

I only said that I wasn't comfortable with being the bridesmaid cos gotta talk to the best men (negotiate the price), etc.

If I were you, I wouldn't have backed out at all. No matter how hurt and all, because it's her big day.

She is the lead of the day, not you nor the ex. You can just treat him as non existent and all; your eyes only for the bride herself, a.k.a your good friend.

Are you sure you're her good friend and vice versa? I wouldn't treat a good friend like that. Seriously.

Put yourself in her shoes and think about how you would feel if she did this to you.

ya i mean, we will try not to argue, but surely the atmosphere will be weird since everyone knows we used to be a couple. the wedding is not over yet. it's in december... after tt will be her long honeymoon. not sure when she will forget abt this... hope i haven't lost a gd fren cos of a guy. :x

anyway, i was refering to your position as bridemaid not as a attendee.

well.

let nature take its course.

time may heal the wounds between you n her.

maybe she will be ''enlighten'' from her honeymoon?

i can't answer the "what if i were her" question... we are gd friends from way back. i backed out because i felt that she would be able to find another person quite easily. after all, i would still be attending her wedding as a guest. i also checked with her to make sure. i didn;t realise that she would be unhappy abt it, and ignore me after tt.

it'd be good to leave it for now right? i wish she wld answer my call, though, so tt at least we can clarify things...

well. since the damage is done, take it as a learning lesson den.

dun commit, give yourself some leeway whenever possible and yeah, make sure u have a backdoor in tricky situations.

well. i always believe, if a person heart is not there, den theres no point with him/her being there.

as i mention again n again.

let nature take its course.

Originally posted by cathykitty:

I have a close friend who's getting married. I had agreed to be her bridesmaid but recently pulled out of it because I decided that I didn't want to have to interact with my ex boyfriend, who is one of her husband-to-be's best men.

Before I pulled out, however, I checked with her if not doing it would mean that our friendship would be affected. I had already bought my dress for the occasion and was prepared to go if she insisted. However, she seemed all right about it at that time, so I thought all was well and that she'd be able to find a replacement.

Later, when we met up again with other friends, she tried to act as though I was not there. Or if I said anything to her, she would give a snappish reply.

I'm quite upset by her behaviour, because I feel that my friend is also being a bit selfish here. What happened with my ex hurt me a lot. Even till now, I still feel a pang of sadness when I think about him. It's been more than a month since I last spoke to him, though I never really blamed him for the break up, seeing him and talking to him again will bring back memories.

On the other hand, there are friends who've told me that I'm in the wrong and that I'm the selfish one. They felt that I should have gone since I've known her for ages. My friend has not been answering my calls, but she has sent an sms to tell me that she is feeling disappointed that I couldn't put aside my feelings for just that one day.

Can feelings be put aside like that? Am I in the wrong? How can I mend this friendship? It's quite weird between us now, with her ignoring me. I feel that we can both be more mature about this and talk face to face. I understand that she may be having wedding jitters, and I would like to help, but she doesn't seem to want to talk to me at all.

i guess you have to explain to her, try to communicate with her to tell her how you feel and encourage her to tell you how she really leaves. it's only when you two just trash things out, then you can be able to resolve from there.

on the other hand, just speaking from my personal view point. not saying who is in the wrong n who is in the right. for one thing, it's an honor to be asked to be a bridesmaid because she has chose you out of so many other friends. and that you have agreed even knowing that 'he' will be there. Naturally anyone would be upset when the promise is broken. on the other hand, i guess putting myself in your shoes, i do understand as well.

i guess for me ultimately, the wedding is not about you, it's ur fren's big day, i guess for her to choose you to be her bridesmaid meant a lot to her. so... yeah.

i still suggest u go find her to talk face to face or call her up, you guys got to talk, n trash things out

thanks... sometimes i feel that i'm quite lame for letting my feelings get in the way. but my ex was quite nasty to me towards the end.

after we broke up, smth that he initiated, he wld call me again to say tt he wanted to be wif me again or he really wanted to see me. then when i gave in, he pulled away and made it seem as tho i was clinging on to him.

my friend was the one who introduced him to me, but she also advised me to break it off and cut him off totally towards the end. 

she knows abt all these, so i hope she can forgive me soon for backing out.

seriously, for me, i will get angry too..

its like breaking a promise and oso, wedding is once a life time..

u've plenty of opportunities to ignore ur ex.

how many jie mei does ur close fren has?

since she is not picking up ur calls, then sms her.. im sure she will seeeeee....

Originally posted by cathykitty:

thanks... sometimes i feel that i'm quite lame for letting my feelings get in the way. but my ex was quite nasty to me towards the end.

after we broke up, smth that he initiated, he wld call me again to say tt he wanted to be wif me again or he really wanted to see me. then when i gave in, he pulled away and made it seem as tho i was clinging on to him.

my friend was the one who introduced him to me, but she also advised me to break it off and cut him off totally towards the end. 

she knows abt all these, so i hope she can forgive me soon for backing out.

 

but i think that u really should go give her ur blessings at her wedding. i always believe that it's a honor to be invited to a wedding because it means that she really wants your blessings.

so before the wedding, msg her, call her, msn her. dun drag it, resolve the matter soon ok?

Originally posted by cathykitty:

I have a close friend who's getting married. I had agreed to be her bridesmaid but recently pulled out of it because I decided that I didn't want to have to interact with my ex boyfriend, who is one of her husband-to-be's best men.

Before I pulled out, however, I checked with her if not doing it would mean that our friendship would be affected. I had already bought my dress for the occasion and was prepared to go if she insisted. However, she seemed all right about it at that time, so I thought all was well and that she'd be able to find a replacement.

Later, when we met up again with other friends, she tried to act as though I was not there. Or if I said anything to her, she would give a snappish reply.

I'm quite upset by her behaviour, because I feel that my friend is also being a bit selfish here. What happened with my ex hurt me a lot. Even till now, I still feel a pang of sadness when I think about him. It's been more than a month since I last spoke to him, though I never really blamed him for the break up, seeing him and talking to him again will bring back memories.

On the other hand, there are friends who've told me that I'm in the wrong and that I'm the selfish one. They felt that I should have gone since I've known her for ages. My friend has not been answering my calls, but she has sent an sms to tell me that she is feeling disappointed that I couldn't put aside my feelings for just that one day.

Can feelings be put aside like that? Am I in the wrong? How can I mend this friendship? It's quite weird between us now, with her ignoring me. I feel that we can both be more mature about this and talk face to face. I understand that she may be having wedding jitters, and I would like to help, but she doesn't seem to want to talk to me at all.

My dear, it's very simple. If the friendship is any worthwhile, she wouldn't bear grudges for too long. True, it's her big day and she expected you to be there as her bridesmaid. But shouldn't friends be all understanding?

If I were you, I'd text a simple apology, offer my help in other areas and seek her understanding. Chances are, if the friendship is tight enough - she would find it in her heart to forgive you (or rather start to see things from your point of view and come back to you)

However, the root of your problem is still your haunting past. You can't just switch off your feelings at a snap; but if you're holding on so tightly to something so unpleasant - it will crush you just sooner or later. Let go, friend  The past is past and it should serve no more than as a reminder and a valuable lesson for us not to commit the same mistakes.

Be a happy person

i will be going for the wedding. in fact, both the church and the dinner. i have also sent her well wishes over email and sms. i thought that would be good enough and that she wouldn't blame me for not being her jie mei. i really need more time to forget abt what happened before seeing him again.

i feel disappointed too tt our years of friendship seem so fragile, because she knew what happened, was aware tt my ex became verbally abusive towards me in the end, yet she still thinks it would be ok for us to be in the same house together. did she consider my feelings before she cancelled my call to explain things to her?

i'm quite ok if i don't see him. i guess i let it drag on for too long. how to let go ah? i have put away most of the things he gave me, tried not to think abt it, deleted him fr my msn, etc... it takes a while ba.

we were together for two yrs and i cldn't believe tt he could be so coldhearted as to leave me a time when my mum was diagnosed with cancer. it was really bad, i don't even know why i bothered to get back tog with him for a few mths or be friends with him. i guess i really did love him and i knew tt i had also given him a hard time. but ultimately the friendship didn't work out also cos he treated me like dirt.

we can't just switch off feelings so easily, right?

Originally posted by cathykitty:

i will be going for the wedding. in fact, both the church and the dinner. i have also sent her well wishes over email and sms. i thought that would be good enough and that she wouldn't blame me for not being her jie mei. i really need more time to forget abt what happened before seeing him again.

i feel disappointed too tt our years of friendship seem so fragile, because she knew what happened, was aware tt my ex became verbally abusive towards me in the end, yet she still thinks it would be ok for us to be in the same house together. did she consider my feelings before she cancelled my call to explain things to her?

how do you know that she cancelled your call so that she would not hear you explain things to her. are you guys christians?

no we're not christians. but what has christianity got to do wif it? :P i've tried calling her on previous days. there were no return calls fr her.

just now, right after i called her, i got an sms fr her to say tt she was disappointed tt i cldn't let go of my "issues" for one day.

it's possible also tt it was not convenient for her to answer today, but i doubt it since she hadn't been answering or returning my calls previously. can't be busy all the time, right?